Die Geschichte eines Mannes, der sein Kind selbst zur Welt bringen konnte
Ein Mann gebar sein eigenes Kind! Doch wie war das möglich?
Als Trystan beschloss sein eigenes Kind zur Welt zu bringen, hatten er und sein Partner Biff schon zwei wunderbare Kinder.
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I’ve said it many times already, but I truly didn’t think it was a big deal when I decided to share that I was a transgender man who was going to have a baby. By the time I got pregnant, I knew dozens of trans men who’d had babies. One of those “babies” was 18 years old! For nearly two decades, men like me have been finding ways to build their families using the bodies they’d been born into. I had no idea that the notion of a pregnant man would shake so many people to their core, causing them to question pregnancy as a strictly feminine pursuit and disturbing their fragile notion of what it means to be trans. I never meant to do any of those things... but the toxic sludge of backlash I received made the impacts clear. I had ruffled some feathers. But that was never the point. The point of telling my story, though I never meant for it to reach as far as it did, was to open some doors. For providers, for parents of trans youth, etc.— yes. But more/most importantly, for other trans people. I knew this was possible, that I could have a family, but did others? My goal was to show that despite what others have led you to believe, you deserve to be loved. You deserve ALL the options for building your life. And until February, I wasn’t sure I had accomplished that goal. But I found myself in front of a room full of trans folks, teaching a workshop on fertility and trans bodies for the San Diego LGBT Center. An attendee stood up, wearing a shirt that said “Dad bod in process,” the tiniest of baby bumps stretching it out around the middle. “I’m here because of you,” he said. “This baby, my family, will soon be a reality because of you.” . I hold too tightly to the hard stuff—the hate mail, the 😂 emoji, the google news alerts telling me that some new tabloid has exploited another trans community member by sharing their story in salacious/fictional detail. I look at this pandemic-impacted world and it seems that nothing will ever get better and nothing makes a difference. Then I remember “dad bod.” And I remember that when you do your work with love, when you infuse everything with love, good will come about. Good will come about. #transpregnancy
Halley und ihr Bruder Riley sind Biffs Nichte und Neffe und ihre Mutter konnte sich nicht richtig um sie kümmern, also wurden sie von einem Onkel und seinem gleichgeschlechtlichen Partner adoptiert.
“Das nächste mal, wenn Ihnen jemand sagt, dass Männer keine Kinder haben können… Zeigt ihnen dieses Video. Denn ich habe es getan!”
Elternschaft wurde für das Pärchen zu einem glücklichen Erlebnis, so dass Trystan beschloss, dass er ein Kind gebären wollte. Aber wie war es möglich, wenn sie doch beide Männer waren?
Trystan identifiziert sich als ein Mann aber er wurde als Frau geboren. Er nahm Testosteronhormone zu sich, aber er wollte keine geschlechtsumwandelnde Operation haben, also behielt er seine Gebärmutter. Er erklärte:
“Ich bin einverstanden damit, ein Mann zu sein, der einen Uterus hat und der die Kapazität und Fähigkeit hat, ein Kind auszutragen, ich bin ein Feminist. Ich denke, dassFrauen großartig sind. Ich hatte keine Abneigung dazu, eine Frau zu sein. Ich war einfach keine im Inneren.”
Hat die Schwangerschaft das irgendwie verändert? Trystans Körper fing wirklich schnell an, sich zu verändern aber er fühlte nicht, dass es ihn weniger Mann gemacht hat. Er sagte:
“Ich denke, das ist weil ich sehr früh in meinem Übergang einfach die Tatsache akzeptieren musste, dass mein Körper anders sein wird.”
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My grandmother was the first woman on Prince Edward Island to drive a car. She had to have one so she could drive to her job as a nurse in a hospital. It was considered wildly controversial at the time, yet now—only two generations later—a woman who doesn’t drive is more shocking than one who does. . She waited until she was 30 to get married, which was also scandalous. When she met and fell in love with my grandfather, she left the hospital to work on his farm and occasionally deliver babies in people’s homes. . Sometimes my mother encounters fearful people who proclaim that trans people are trying to change gender forever. She tells them the story of her mother to remind them how much gender has changed already. . “And I think we can all agree that the world is a better place now that women, at least in America and Canada, are free to drive themselves where they need to go, no?” She has never shied away from a fight, though she tries to bring humor and lightness to the battle. . LGBTQ people rarely destroy. We do innovate, though. We redesign. We evolve. And that’s all I am—the latest evolution of a long and sacred lineage of those who knew that the world needed a little tug. My grandmother looked at a car and said, “Yes, I can do that.” Just as I looked at my trans body, thought of having a baby and said, “Yes. I can do that.” . 📷 by @sebastienmicke for @parismatch_magazine
Trysten war auch offen über seine Erfahrung mit den Wehen. Sein Partner Biff und sein Vater waren da um ihn zu unterstützen und das medizinische Personal war sehr behutsam und professionell.
Er lag 30 Stunden lang in den Wehen, dann noch eine Stunde des Pressens und der wundervolle Junge Leo kam zur Welt.
“Es war das beeindruckendste Erlebnis, an dem ich je teilgenommen habe. Ich bin so glücklich, dass ich es getan habe.”
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Many of you know I have not been reading any comments on any part of the Internet for several months now, as I’ve been working to heal from the psychological trauma of being a public trans person in digital spaces during my pregnancy. That healing has been going very well, with the help of a truly spectacular therapist I found on @betterhelp. It has been going so well, in fact, that I have been able to slowly re-engage with online discussions in order to make new neural connections between my psyche and digital forums. Yesterday, I chose to read some comments on a post about trans pregnancy, and I noticed that a lot of people seemed to think it was appropriate to hijack a conversation about pregnancy and make it about adoption, as though the initial post creator had never heard of or thought about adoption. . As someone who is parenting through adoption AND my own pregnancy, I know in my bones that both are perfect, sacred ways to become a parent. There is nothing magical about a baby that is genetically related to you— any child you parent will always be the child you were supposed to parent. But please remember that queer people in search of biological parenting options are often grilled about adoption in ways that heterosexual people and couples aren’t. We are uniquely told that we are being selfish by wanting to create new life, often by people who are not themselves adoptive parents. . Please give people support and guidance and love without dismissing their desires by saying, “You should just adopt.” Nothing about adoption is a “just.” It is a serious and arduous process that is emotionally complicated and often traumatic for all involved. It is not the job of queer people to pick up where straight people have left off— we have done that in many ways for a millennia, but if we wish to form our families from scratch on our own, I want LGBTQ people to have all the choices... just like everyone else does. If you want more people to adopt, work to stop discrimination in these spaces so more people want to. And trust that each person will do what is best for them as they work to build their own empire of love. . #transadoption #transfertility #transpregnancy
Plant Trystan wieder, erneut ein Kind zu bekommen? Trystan gab zu:
“Ich denke nicht, dass ich es wieder tun werde. Ich denke, es ist die großartigste Sache, die ich nur ein mal getan haben werde.”
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When Biff and I first started dating, I was terrified that I would mess it up somehow. Mostly because my friends were telling me I’d better not mess it up somehow. In fact, I took him to meet these friends of mine who were like second parents to me. I had lived with them and their daughters while working on the No on 8 campaign and really valued their perspective. After they met Biff for the first time, one of them took me aside and said, “Trystan, you know I think you’re awesome. You really are. But listen to me— do not fuck this up. You will never do better than him.” We laughed, but I knew she was right. Biff is special, and I had to hold onto him. . Later, when Hailey and Riley came to live with us, I did an inventory of parents I knew. I tried to think about who had the kind of relationships with their kids that I wanted to replicate, and I asked these parents for advice. This same couple came to mind and we went over to their house to get their input. They had one main thing to say: “Your relationship matters more than everything else. If YOU’RE not good, the family’s not good. Prioritize date night. Prioritize each other. Stay in love and keep talking to each other... no matter what.” . So we did what they said. We found friends to give us a break so we could do date night. We have continued, over these 8 years, to find ways large and small to show each other, and the kids, that what matters most to us is each other. To this day, if you ask Hailey or Riley who I love best, they will tell you it’s Biff. The kids are a close second, but this human was with me before they were and will be with me after they leave. Biff and I are the sun and they are the planets, guided by our gravitational pull while each on their own path. And as a family we are all connected by something invisible yet tangible. Unbridled, unabashed commitment and resilience. Put more simply: Love. . #transandloved #portlandfamily #rainbowfamily #ftm #twoboyskissing #gaydads
Trystan und Biff sind sich dessen bewusst, dass nicht alle Menschen in Leos Leben Verständnis zeigen werden aber sie sind bereit dafür. Trystan sagte:
“Wir wissen, dass Leo in seinem Leben Negativität begegnen könnte, aber wir vertrauen darauf, dabei zu helfen, ihn zu formen, dass er stark genug ist, um dem entgegenzutreten, wenn es kommt, dem in die Augen zu sehen und es zu besiegen. Das ist es, was wir getan haben.”
Nun ist Leo drei Jahre alt. Er wächst als ein glücklicher Junge auf, der einen großen Bruder, eine Schwester und zwei liebende Väter hat.